Her 5 plus 1
Chapter 3
The Beginning of something new...
“Hospital bed rest?” I almost stuttered. What the heck did that mean? Did that mean one week? Maybe two weeks? A month at the most? Then I felt like I hit a brick when she said what she said next,, “A month at the least, possibly the remainder of my pregnancy.” My eyes had never been wider than they were in that moment. I think I can honestly say that that was the first moment in my life when I actually felt my heart stop beating for a moment. I didn’t know what to think, or even what to say.
Then it all came flooding into my mind like a dam that broken that had been protecting the city below. These thoughts flooded my mind, "I would have to cook, I would have to clean. I would have to work. I would have to get the girls ready for school, and would have to do all of this alone without any help at all." I mean don’t get me wrong I was a cook in a restaurant for a few years. But that was just breakfast food. I am pretty sure with the kids eating breakfast for all three meals would get old very fast. At least I knew Breakfast would be spectacular. Then the thought of having to do the girls hair scared me. I didn’t know the first thing about this. I had gotten pretty good at the ponytail. But I remember one time having a mom of another kid coming up to me and telling me that she thought the ponytail looked really good. I just thought to myself, “Side ponytail? What is that?” I decided to just keep the thought to myself and shake my head like I did it on purpose. I just hoped that she would not ask me exactly how I did it, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to recreate it like that again.
My dear wife who I loved so much was going to be stuck in a hospital bed and right away I started to really miss her. I couldn’t bear the thought of her not being in bed next to me. For who knows how long I wouldn’t have her next to me in bed as I watched TV. There wouldn’t be the constant interesting conversations at home followed by continuous laughter. We wouldn’t take our three girls downstairs every night and read a few bedtime stories too. Sharla wouldn’t be there with me as we tag teamed scratching the girl’s backs to help ease them into sleep. So many thoughts came to mind. But the one that seem to plague my mind the most is that this would be the first time in seven years that my wife and I would be separated from each other. From the moment I first laid eyes on her and got the courage to go talk with her, I have been by her side. I couldn’t bear the thought of my best friend not being there with me constantly.
Then I remembered school, the Psych Tech program in which I had been in for almost the whole last year. I was within one month of graduating this grueling program and was finally ready for it to be over. The rules of the program were very strict and if you missed even two days of school, you were out of the program and had to wait to be accepted back in only to start over. I had worked so hard to get this far and it demanded almost 70 hours a week. How in the world was I going to do this? I had 3 girls and no one at home to take care of them and at this very moment none of them were in school yet. My heart sunk as the thought that I would have to come to accepting that I might not be able to finish because of family obligations. Sharla must had known what I was feeling by the expression on my face upon my arrival to the hospital. She gave me a big hug and told me, “Don’t worry, I have gotten it taken care of. My mom is going to watch them while you are at school. God will always provide a way. Never forget that.” Those words have stuck with me and later I would remember them. She was right, in fact, that last month was very difficult, but we made it work and in September of 2011 I graduated the program and was even chosen to be the class speaker at the graduation. My sister and I came up with the idea to use her phone that had facetime and Sharla was able to watch my Graduation from her hospital bed.
As time progressed and my wife was adjusting to her new place of residence and I adjusted to my life as a temporary single father of three children, I found myself at the hospital literally every single day. Our nightly dinners would have us in the hospital cafeteria followed by a few hour visits to Sharla’s room. Time seemed to be endless and the day for her return home to her rightful place at home seemed like it would never arrive. But eventually it would and we greeted our two beautiful baby boys Daxton, and Parker to our new home. Well not right away that is. They were born six weeks early and had to spend the first two months of their lives in the NICU. It's funny because just when I thought my life, along with my wife’s life in the hospital was over, we got two more months of it. I can’t begin to tell you how happy I was the day we got to finally bring home the twins and no longer had to step foot in the hospital again.
That first night when my beautiful wife laid in bed with me I felt a strong comfort engulf my being. It felt like an eternity since I had her. Now she was here and I never wanted her to leave. She was my best friend and always brought this comfort that no person I ever knew could. When I met her seven years previously, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. In fact the day we got married, it almost felt like a race to get her down the aisle. I knew once we were pronounced Husband and Wife, then she would always be mine and no one could ever take her away from me.
As the months past, we adjusted to our new life as a family of seven. Our girls were so thrilled to meet these two babies they had heard so much about. Months earlier we would try to explain to them that one the other side of mommy’s tummy were two babies. They loved to put their little hands on her belly to feel the babies kick. They would tell everyone we passed in the grocery store how proud they were to have baby brothers coming. Strangers would smile and nod.
Life in the Prior home seemed perfect. We had achieved our goal of having kids and was on my way to starting my career as a psych tech. I knew I would have to wait a little due to the hiring freeze for the state of California. The last time they had hired a psych tech had been over two years ago. This concerned Sharla a little, but I would help put her mind to ease by all of the rumors that I had heard about them possibly hiring soon. Then a year had passed, still no job. I even began to start to doubt that they would be hiring anytime soon. We decided that we would try to take advantage of the time we had together. We tried to think of the one place that would help ease our minds. About a year previously I had had this idea to go to Disneyland. I knew the chances were very slim she would say yes because money had been tight and we had just been surviving off of her VA disability pay. Then we caught a break. Sharla had appealed a decision about her PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) disability awhile back and we hadn’t heard anything. Then we got a letter in the mail telling us that they had turned over the case we lost and back paid her a huge check from the last few years. We suddenly had some money. So I decided to give it a shot and see what she thought. I was amazed that she said “yes!” Even though there was a little anxiety about going due to her PTSD. She decided to try and give it a shot, so we went.
Our first day in the park was one of the most fun days we had experienced in a very long time. We must have gone on 15 rides. The most amazing part is that there was not a single breakdown from the kids. They went from the opening of the park, until the close of the park and we had so much fun that we decided to try and go again the next day. The next day was followed by the same thing. So why not go a third day? I still had a week off of school from my break. I was so amazed that the third day was no different.
We had been playing around with the idea of possibly going a fourth day. As we were at the ticket window, one of the employees says to us, “You know a season pass is equivalent of going for five days. You have gone three days and possibly doing a fourth. If you purchase a season pass we actually reinburst you for the last three days, and add that into the cost of the season pass.” It was too good to pass up! We did it and it was one of the best decisions we had made in a while. We ended up going to Disneyland more than 23 times that year! We had done more family vacation than most couples do in a lifetime. We had gone so many times, that we had started learning the staff’s names and we knew the fastest ways to get to each ride. We found a ton of the hidden mickeys in the park; we had eaten at almost every restaurant in the park, and had become professional pin traders. Life was so much fun, and we had actually at one point talked about trying to possibly move down to Anaheim once I was licensed. Now here we were trying to come up with an idea of how to better our situation with me not working and the money dwindling down to nothing.
“Let’s go to Disneyland,” she said to me as if it was something that we just did every day.
“Disneyland? Honey we don’t really have the funds to be able to go.” It was weird to hear myself for once be the voice of reason.
“We’ll be fine, I will just find some stuff to sell on Ebay, and when we make enough, can we go? I just want to forget about everything and need a release. Plus, you did just recently get a phone call that the State Hospital is supposed to be hiring this next month.” The one thing about my wife is she was very convincing when she spoke. I reluctantly agreed and wondered if she would be able to actually pull it off. But this was Sharla we were talking about. I don’t think there was anything this woman could not achieve if she put her mind to it. I mean we now had five kids and when we first got married, I told her that I only wanted two and that was it. I also told her that I wanted to be a head chef at a restaurant. It is very clear that she got her way.
A couple weeks had passed and I was amazed to see how much stuff she had actually sold. At one point I told her if she keeps selling the way she is, we are going to have to buy it all back because we will not have anything left. She just laughed and walked away. I wasn’t kidding! Sure enough as she had said she would do, she raised enough money for us to go. I was gitty with excitement but tried not to show it to much to not let her know that she was right and I was wrong. I had told her that I didn't think that we would be able to raise enough money from all the junk we had. I really was happy because I had wanted to go for a while. Even though we had gone so many times this last year, it had been about 5 months since out previous visit. The boys had only been a few months. They just slept and all of the rides we rode were gentle enough that each one of us could hold a child while they slept on the ride, but this trip would come with more challenges. The boys were not sleeping near as much. Which I could foresee times where one of us might not be able to ride a ride while the other took the rest of the kids on it. Honestly it didn't matter because we were going to Disneyland! I would be happy just walking around and looking at the shops. Plus my equilibrium was not where it used to be so that really didn’t sound like a bad idea.
We were really thrilled once we started to plan our trip because we found out that a whole new part of the park was opening up. Since we had experienced everything quite a few times, it would be nice to go on something completely new. We spent that whole week looking at videos on the computer about the new part of the park. Sharla went even as far as to get her best friend and her family to agree to go with us. My sister even told us that she wanted to go and if we wanted to, we could come up there a few days earlier and stay at her place to hang out before we made the rest of the trip down there. It sounded like a good day and we started getting all of our ducks in a row and had everything set.
“Three days till we go daddy to Disneyland!” my oldest little girl said eagerly. She had been counting down the days. We actually had decided to leave tomorrow so that we could enjoy our trip. We had planned to stay at my sisters house a few days before going. She lived in a city called Camarillo and had a nice apartment with a pool and Spa. A few days previously Sharla was saying that she was starting to have some abdominal pain. She contributed it to when she had the twins. It had been such a difficult birth and there was so much pain associated with the C-Section, at one point the nurses had gone back and counted the surgical instruments to make sure the doctor had not left one in her. After determining that they hadn’t, they searched for a way to ease her pain. She billowed in anger and tears were directed towards the nurses because they weren’t relieveing her pain. One of the nurses started to tear up because over the time Sharla had been there she had gained such an incredible amount of love and friendship towards Sharla and didn’t want to see her in so much pain.
The day before we would leave for Los Angeles she had made an appointment to see her O.B. here in her hometown. She was prescribed a medication to help ease her pain. Just to be sure her VA doctor also decided to schedule a visit down in the Los Angeles Veteran’s Hospital to run a few tests. We thought that since we were going to be down in Los Angeles anyways and had a few days to spare that we could fit in a quick visit to the Hospital there. That was the last time we really had thought about it and just went on continuing to pack.
I spent a better part of the night packing the van for the trip. I guess you can say I get pretty neurotic when it comes to packing. I like everything to be done a certain way. The van has to be packed correctly and I believe that no matter how many things you give me, I can find a way to get it neatly packed into the van. This trip was no different. I had done it so many times this last year, it almost seemed routine where everything went. The van was packed and it was time to go. These trips not only brought me joy because of just being in the park and having fun, but it also meant time I got to spend with Sharla just talking about life. We had had some of the best conversations in recent past. So you could imagine my excitement for this trip. As we hit the road we instantly started talking about the theme park and everything we wanted to do. Then our conversation shifted to talking about how it was going to be fun just hanging out at my sister’s house for a couple days. The girls had not yet learned how to swim. So we had purchased these heavy duty floaties. I have never trusted those cheap plastic water wings. I could just picture one of my daughters fighting to stay afloat. Next we discussed my photography business and how it was becoming more notable in our community. Just the week before we had our local news cover a photography project we had involving a married couple going down the waterslides in their wedding attire. I remember thinking to myself how I thought this was one of the best conversations we have ever had on a trip. There was no negativity, or worry. It was all positive and just made this trip feel like there was nothing that could go wrong.
Our first day at my sister’s house involved us driving down to Los Angeles for Sharla’s VA appointment to do a few tests to see if they could figure out more precisely where this pain was coming from. The Hospital was about 45 minutes away from where we were at, but with Los Angeles traffic, it meant it could be much longer. We tried to hit the road early. She had three appointments that day. The first was a sleep study interview. She had had so many sleep issues her whole life, so they wanted to see if she was a candidate. The second appointment was for the abdominal pain, and then following that appointment was an OBYGN. Apparently her personal OB wasn’t enough, so they wanted to check her with theirs. I knew that with so many appointments and having all the kids with me there was no way I was going to be able to stay there. The place was crowded with too many people, and for some reason the people there love to touch my kids. So I just planned to drop Sharla off and drive around with the kids. We had gotten there around 10 am and her last appointment was supposed to end around 2 pm. So I knew I could keep myself occupied.
It was now getting close to 2 pm and I hadn’t heard from sharla yet. I decided to head back to the VA to see what was going on. I knew I had no choice at this point to take all five of them in by myself. As I made my way in there, the place seemed like an endless maze with hundreds of people just roaming around. You could just see the stories these veterans had to tell on their faces. The wear and tear of life had increased many of their years dramatically. Many were missing legs or arms. They were all here for one thing, help. My wife was so young and often felt so bad for her that she had to be in a place like this at her age. Most of the veterans there seemed to all be much older. Upon arriving to where she was supposedly supposed to be, I happen to notice them about to wheel her into a back room. I walked as fast as the little feet walking besides me would allow me to.
“Baby, what’s going on? Where are they taking you in a wheelchair, and why haven’t I heard from you?” I felt like I had so many questions coming to my mind faster than I could speak.
“Don’t worry honey, they found an 8mm Kidney Stone. But I am going to be okay. They just want to run a few more tests. I’ll text you when they give me a chance too.” Then they took her away. That is what I was left with. I felt like I was someone that was just told his wife might be okay and then just walk away. I wasn’t about to let that go, so I found the first person who could help me.
“Excuse me sir, those people just took my wife. I have no idea when to expect her to be finished and if she is going to be okay. Please help me, I have 5 kids and need help.” The receptionist took my wife’s name down and she disappeared into those same doors that just took my wife from me.
After a few moments she returned to reassure me that everything was okay. That they were just going to give her an IV and some medications for the Kidney Stones. She also let me know that the doctor would allow her to speak to me in just a few minutes. I felt like I could resume breathing again. Those minutes seemed like hours and that phone call turned into a few text messages.
“Sorry honey, sorry I couldn’t talk more. Have Kidney Stone, 8mm. Doctor is going to run a couple more tests and give me something to help me with the pain tomorrow. Take the kids back to your sister’s house. I will call you in just a bit. Doc says I should be done around 8 pm.”
What choice did I have at this point? So I made the trip back to my sister Shyaen’s home. The whole time on the way home I kept praying for her. I kept having this feeling of comfort. Like everything was going to be okay. So I finally found a way to let it go and headed back. While back at the house, I fed the kids and got them ready for bed. My sister agreed to watch the kids while I drove back when the time came. Sure enough right around 7:30 I got a phone call from her.
“Okay honey, I am all done. Can you start driving back now to pick me up? I have been here all day and am ready to go home.” I was so thrilled to finally go get her. So I got in the van and made the long trip back to Los Angeles. Upon my arrival to the parking lot, I saw Sharla wondering in the parking lot, as if she had forgotten where she had parked her car. I thought it was a little weird and my first thought was, “Why didn’t they wait till I arrived to release her?” She entered the car and greeted me with a kiss and a hug. It felt like we hadn’t seen each other in a few days. I was relieved that we were finally done at this Hospital. I never liked coming here because they had treated me so rudely so many times before. Sharla reached into her purse and pulled out a pill bottle.
“What is that?”
“It’s what they prescribed me. It’s called Hydromorphone. I have never heard of it. The doctor told me that it is a strong pain med that is supposed to help me with my kidney stone. He said he wants me to be comfortable while we are at Disneyland so I am not in any pain. But I have never heard of this medication. But if he says it’ll work I’ll give it a shot.” After hearing these words I now wished those words would have raised a red flag in me in wanting to research it a little bit before she took it.
Finally getting back to my sister’s house around 11 pm, we were thrilled to finally be done with today’s events. I had my wife back and she was out of that horrible place. We decided that tomorrow we were going to take the day and just relax by the pool. I started getting ready for bed and noticed that the girls were fast asleep on the air mattress in the living room. I made a bed for myself on the couch just in case the girls woke up and not seeing either one of us out there and freak out. Sharla decided to sleep in Shyaen’s bed with her along with the twins in the pack-n-play at the foot of the bed. Sharla had set up her laptop on the floor. She had told me that she was wide awake and was going to veg out on the computer till she fell asleep. I got in bed and Sharla came to snuggle with me for about 15 minutes until I started to doze off.
“You want me to let you sleep?” I just nodded unable to find words. “I love you so much. I am so happy to be your wife.”
“I love you and am happy to be your husband,” I just muttered. I was having the hardest time keeping my eyes open. Next thing I knew I was asleep. A few hours passed and then all the sudden I was awaken by my sister at 2:45 am….
Chapter 4
The healing starts today
“It wasn’t a dream,” were the first words out of my mouth the day after she was gone. I almost couldn’t believe it. This really was my reality and there was going to be nothing that would change what had just happened. As I laid there in bed staring at the ceiling, I almost felt a little disappointed in myself because I slept just fine through the night and didn’t have any nightmares. I had seen so many movies in the past where someone lost their spouse and they couldn’t sleep through the night, or they would wake up screaming. That wasn’t the case last night. I just casually slipped into a trance of sleep. Was there something wrong with me? Did that mean that I didn’t love or miss her as much? I came to the realization that I had lost every ounce of energy that I possibly had. I was so physically drained from all the tears that I had released that I just had nothing more in me. It made it easy to slip into that emptiness where every emotion briefly disappears. I thought more on the thought to if I should have felt more while I slept.
“Oh course not Michael, don’t be stupid,” I said out loud. Honestly it had to been because I was just so numb and a part of me refused to believe what had happened, had indeed happened. I mean this is something that only happened in fiction books, right? This doesn’t happen to people like me who has a wonderful family and always chose to do what was right. Why me? Why now? This was the first point when I started to try to rationalize. Question after question came into my mind and I tried to answer them as fast as they clouded my mind. Then this urge came over me. I needed to get all of this out. These feelings, these thoughts. I felt like they had no place in my mind and belonged elsewhere.
“On a piece of paper, I need a piece of paper. I need to write down these feelings before they get lost in the sea of questions. I can’t forget these feelings because if I do I know they will haunt me later.” I struggled to rise; it was as if my body physically had just given up. I had all three of my girls in the bed with me. There was no way I was going to sleep in my bed alone. I had one girl in one of my arms and one in the other. The third one was snuggled up between my legs with a pillow as if she was protected by the castles walls. As the weeks went on each one of them would fight over that position in the bed. For some reason they just felt safer there and to be completely honest, so did I.
The sun was peeking through the blinds and was now hitting me right in that face. I imagined that there were probably a lot of people who were waking up to this with a big smile on their face and were rolling over giving their loved ones a kiss and saying something like, “Good morning love, what a beautiful day.” Only in my mind now was every married couple was doing this. This day was not beautiful, it was ugly. It was the day that followed the day that took my wife from me. It was the day that told me I was no longer a married man. It was the day that told me that this was the first day of the new life I did not choose. What was the point of even moving forward? Her movement ended yesterday. Why couldn’t mine? This wouldn’t be the first time that thought would cross my mind.
Finally I was to my feet and found the strength to put on some clothes. I knew the house was full of a lot of people that were there not only to support me, but I knew they wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to do something stupid. It’s amazing that even a person like me who used to be filled with so much life, now had these thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore. At one point I would beg and plead for the Almighty God to just take my soul. I would justify how the kids would be okay if I were gone, that they were so young and wouldn’t remember. It had nothing to do with me not loving them, or that I cared more for her then I did them. It was so much more than that and trying to explain that to someone seemed almost impossible. It was like having that person who literally was a part of you just ripped away. Our souls had been fused together. Every experience in the many years had been together. There was rarely a time when we weren’t together. Then without asking, without getting permission, a greater power just takes her; just gone. No opportunity to say goodbye. As the scripture in Ruth says, “I will go where thou go. I will die where thou diest.” Your thought process on correctly reasoning is temporarily blocked.
I grabbed a pen from my cluttered desk that I remember telling myself that I was going to clean when we got back from our family trip to Disneyland. Now it was just another reminder of my wife’s death. I seemed to be accumulating many of these reminders. I was a bit thankful that she had passed away in another house rather than the one we were currently living in. There would have been no way that I would have been able to stay here. I know I would not be able to step foot in the house and every glance of it would be reliving that nightmare over and over.
Something happened to me as soon as I started writing. The pen started almost writing words before I could even think of them. My words that I started to write actually started to turn into a letter to Sharla. As soon as I finished I had written what felt like a book. But it felt so vitalizing and I felt a small release of pain. It almost felt like she was reading it as I wrote and that oddly gave me a little bit of comfort. When I had finished, reality started to slowly seep back into my brain and my moment of being able to separate myself it all was gone. I decided to go out to the living room where my temporary housemates were rising from their sleep. I was greeted by their warm hugs and words of attempted comfort. Though I appreciated their attempt, if never satisfied me unless they had discovered some way to bring Sharla back. My sister gave me a big hug and asked how I was doing. The first thought that actually came to my mind was how she was doing. She had experienced something almost as equally traumatic considering she was the one who had found her. I lost a wife and she lost a sister. Sharla and Shyaen were so close to each other and always talked on the phone. My loving wife had a knack of accepting all of my family and never called them by their first name. Rather call them sister, or dad, or brother, ect. She loved them as if they had always been a part of their lives. Shyaen looked wore down. She would tear up almost every time she would look over at me and say things like, “I cannot believe this really happened.” I almost felt bad because no one seemed to be comforting her, just me.
I found a small spot on the couch between all the suitcases and clothes and plopped down on the couch and buried my face only leaving one eye exposed. I just didn’t know what to do or what to say. It felt as if I had just gone mute. My mother lovingly came up to me and offered food for me to eat. Normally that plate of eggs, bacon and pancake would have excited me, but apparently when my wife was taken away from me, so was my appetite. I felt as if I never had to eat ever again and would be just fine. I remembered when my dad had broken up with my first stepmom, he had gotten so depressed that he dropped about twenty pounds. I knew it was only a matter of time that I would start dropping the weight also. The only thought that came to mind was, “Hey It’s probably not the best way to lose weight, but its effective and I can stand to drop a few pounds.” Then I started to tear up and knew this would be a reoccurring event for the next few months.
About a few minutes into laying there in my own personal despair, the family members started to arise. They B-lined straight for me and said the familiar line, “Hey how are you doing?” Often I would think to myself, “do they really want me to answer that question?” My solution was to just nod with no expression. I closed my eyes and began to plead to the Lord. I found myself begging the Lord to just take my soul. I had often read in the scriptures of different saints just “giving up the ghost.” That was my new determination, to just “give up the ghost.” Hey if they could just do that, then maybe I could. I wanted to just be with Sharla. I tried to see her behind my eyelids in all her perfection and glory. I imagined her standing in heaven reaching for my hand, telling me it was okay to come up there with her. At one point I even fooled myself into a smile thinking that I really was just going to be able to give my spirit unto the lord. That he might grant me this one wish. That only lasted but a few seconds when my eyelids opened and saw I was still exactly where I did not want to be, right there on the couch. I made mention to my sister laying next to me what I was trying to do, what I was trying to achieve by retiring my soul. Her remarks were simple and to the point, “what about the kids? You would just leave them just like that, with no Mother and Father?” I sighed because I knew I couldn’t make her understand. I love my kids dearly and I would never in a million years ever consider suicide. In my belief I knew that if I ever did that, then I would never get to be with her even in the next life. That was not an option. I just wanted to try and find a way out of it without ever having to go that route. Also this had nothing to do with not wanting to be with the kids or choosing her over them. It was much more than that. It was trying to explain to someone to imagine that one person who literally was by your side every sigle day of your life for the last seven year. Every thought, every expression, every emotion involved her. She was the central part of my plan in life, my co-pilot. All the genuine smiles thrown my way, all of the words of true endearment where delivered by her and her alone. Now it was all gone! It was no more and would never happen again by her every again on this earth. We experienced everything for the first time together. Now she was experiencing the next life, and doing it without me. I wanted to do it with her, together. That was my responsibility I took on in my vows. Now it was out of my hand and I no longer had any control of it. That is why I wanted to be with her. That is why I wanted to lay my head down for the last time. I loved my kids more than anything in this life. I would never want to ever hurt them in any way, especially emotionally.
The human mind in the wake of tragedy has a way of justifying certain circumstances. It told me that if I had left, my kids would be taken care of by a family member. That they would be so young and not remember much that they would at least be in a family that had a mother and father and we could be remembered by these new guardians. I felt as if they would not have been emotionally damaged. Only I had another ability, in which I suddenly learned I had. I had the ability to dismiss those thoughts and focus on being there for them in this life. It was a sacrifice I wanted to make for them even though I had so much time against me in returning to her again one day. I was only 31 years old and nowhere near to completing this life if I were to live to a ripe old age. Then a new fear set into my mind. I have always heard the saying that time heals everything. I was almost afraid to heal because I knew that meant not feeling the pain of losing my spouse very much. I didn’t want to grow to forget the love we had or even downplay the fact that she was taken from me. I felt as if I needed to always mourn her, because that is what she deserved. Not to be forgotten. I feared that the kids would also forget who she was and the enormous sacrifices that she made for them. They needed to always know of her love. How she rubbed their backs every night before bed. How she loved to rock the boys to sleep on our oversized green rocker in their room. Or how she made it important to her to hear every one of their complaints of how their sisters were being mean. They needed to remember how she treasured every single pregnancy and how she loved to rub her belly and tell them how much mommy loved them. All of these things in more, I did not want the kids to forget. I am certain that that thought will plague my mind and the only way to make sure that does not happen is to remind the kids by telling them stories, by
showing them videos, and pictures to keep her memory fresh in their mind through the many years to come.
Later on that day I felt a strong impression that I just needed a blessing from one of the members in the bishopric of the faith I served. I had given many blessings to those who were sick or afflicted or just needed a blessing of comfort. This is exactly what I needed in that moment. So I picked up the phone and called. As soon as he picked up I couldn’t even get out two words before my tears flowed uncontrollably and words could not be made sense of. Eventually I had to hand the phone to my mom to interpret what my need was. It only took less than an hour before one of the councilors in the Bishopric and another member of the church were at my front door. We went and found a quiet room and I found my place in that oversized green chair that Sharla had used so many times before. The Elders of the church placed their hands on my head and I remember telling myself, “Okay Michael, you need to listen to every word they say so that you can find the comfort and promises that you need.” That didn’t last long when my mind started to wonder. I found myself imagining Sharla was standing right in front of me. I could see her on her knees right in front of where I was sitting. She looked at me and without saying anything, slipped her arms through me to give me a much needed hug. She placed her head on my chest as she had done so many times in all the years we were married. I could actually feel and see where her hair parted on her head and could feel the bristles of her hair tickle my face. I even could smell her perfume that was emanating from her warm body. It was a vision I tried so hard to hold on too. All I wanted was for it to be real. I let out a gentle sigh because I knew as soon as these wonderful men were done giving me a blessing, it would end.
All of the sudden through my closed eyes I thought I saw a shadow of something coming closer to me. I decided to peek to see what it was I was seeing. It turns out that it was my daughter Delaney coming into the room. She quietly walked in, came up to me put her arms through my arms around my waist, hugged me tight and placed her head on my chest. I opened my eyes more now and looked down and saw the part in her hair and felt the bristles of her hair tickle my face. It was one of the most amazing moments of my life and at that moment knew that Sharla was there and wanted to show me that she was there. She used my daughter as a tool to help me feel her. That was the beginning of a long stream of miracle that would happen over the next few months. After the blessing was over I walked out into the hallway and leaned my shoulder up against the wall and had a glazed over look on my face. Then the words,
“Huh, Sharla is here, I am really not alone,” came from my mouth. I was shocked and in disbelief. My sister Shaneen came down stairs. Saw me leaning against the wall and hurried over to my side.
“Is everything okay?” were the words that came from her mouth but I was to focused on the event that just took place. “Michael! Whats going on? Are you alright?”
“Huh? Um..yeah, everything is fine. It’s kinda great actually. I just had the most amazing experience.” I related to her what just happened. I could see her start to tear up. Then she told me what happened to her.
“Michael, I was sitting upstairs just hanging out, and for some reason looked over at Delaney playing. Then she just looked up like someone had talked to her and started walking downstairs. I was about to stop her because I knew you guys were down there. Then I got this feeling that I she just needed to be with her daddy and let her go.”
Wow! It all happened so fast yet it was like it had all been planned from the very beginning. As if it was always part of the plan. That was one of the first times in my life that I had seen a real life miracle just happen. Sharla had visited me and found a way to deliver a little bit of hope, a little bit of clarity. My eyes were no longer on the reality of this life and trying to explain the meaning of life. I was now starting to see way beyond that. This was the first time I had a genuine smile on my face. I had this feeling that this was the beginning of being able to see and feel her often.
I fell to my knees in gratitude for being able to have that experience. As I cried in celebration for her visit my mother walked through the door. In her hand she had my mail.
“Michael this arrived for you.” Then she handed me a letter. I wiped away my eyes and tried to focus my eyes on the writing on the letter to figure out who it was from. There on the letters were writen the words “Atascadero State Hospital.” Oh my gosh, could it be? Was this my hiring letter? The one I had waited for for the last year to arrive. All the promises that it would eventually come? I carefully opened it and read the first few word, "Michael we are pleased to inform you..." It had arrived.